Life is Like a Box of Chocolates
by lil hummingbird
Summary: A wise mama always said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.' A little dirty drabble with Bella and the girls. Will their "boxes of chocolates" be all they want and more? Or something else entirely?
1. Chapter 1

**Why hello there. Fancy seeing you here again. Happy Holidays to all of you beautiful people. Here is a little dirty drabble to tide you over till next year. The concept and content was dreamed up and hilariously laid out in Forks, the Holy Land of the Twilight world. All the THANKS AND LOVE in the universe to my Wonder Twin JRDurham and DazzledByRobSpaRKlyHands, for the inspiration, material, and the most HILARIOUS drive to the airport I will ever have. Also a huge shout out the KMah88 and her mad"red pen" skills. Any mistakes made I probably snuck in after she fixed me, so blame me. I can't tell you how much I love the color coding!**

**I don't own Twilight only my own box of chocolates. Enjoy**

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates

Ch1

"So, Jasper is bringing his cousin Edward with him tonight, Alice said as she slid next to the other girls at the table.

"Wait...Edward...Ed...OMG! Male model, green eyed-god Edward?" Bella said excitedly.

"The one and only." Alice smirked.

"I didn't know Jasper had a male model for a cousin. Is he single?" Jessica asked.

"Oh no, back the fuck off Tinker Twat. The boy is mine. My vagina called dibs a year ago. Besides, you have Magic Mike, Bella said to her, trying to keep a straight face.

Jessica snorted. "If by magic, you mean is able to make my sex drive disappear, then yes, he is fucking David Copperfield." The table of women started laughing.

"So, you're saying he's not the next Channing?"

"Oh, Hell no! Oh my God, the other night he decided to show me his Magic Mike moves… He looked like he was having a seizure! I had to close my eyes and think of dead puppies so I wouldn't burst out laughing. It was terrible. Of course, he thought that this seizure/raindance would get me wet, but instead turned my vagina dry like the Sahara."

"Did you fake a headache?" Alice asked before taking a sip of her drink.

"No, I excused myself to the bathroom and watched porn on my phone till I was ready to go."

"Does he at least know how to use it?" Rose asked

"It's sorta hit and miss with him. There was the time he tried to put on a condom, it snapped and flew behind the bed. Usually it's a lot of quick jerky movements and over in like five minutes," Jess said with a sigh.

"Why do you stay with him again?"

"He's a good dad, treats me like a princess, contributes nicely to my pocketbook and when he lets me ride him, the orgasms are pretty sweet."

"Yeah, but don't you just crave good dick?" Bella said, popping a pretzel in her mouth.

"King Dong keeps Virginia stated." She smirked.

All the girls nodded in understanding. King Dong was a glorious thing and whoever came up with it should be put on a stamp.

***A/N**

**My gift to you- A little bit of laughter with a hint or two... or four of delightful dirtiness.**

**XOZO**

**HB**


	2. Chapter 2

**How else wants to see 'Magic Mike' and his rain dance of love?**

**Do you own Twilight? Sadly, no. Enjoy!**

Ch2

"At least you didn't tell him to use his thumb on your clit while he's fingering you only to have him take out his fingers and ram his thumb in your vagina like he's plugging a hole!" Alice exclaimed.

"Is that the same guy who was so bad you literally bolted with only one shoe?"

"No, that was Alec in my English Lit class."

"Oh, that's right! Surprise! Uncircumcised!" Rose and Bella yelled throwing their hands up.

"I seriously looked up at him and was like, why the fuck is your peen wearing a turtle neck?! What do you expect me to do with this?" He's all, '_I want you to make it hit the back of your throat baby'_," Alice said in her best man voice.

"To which I replied, 'you want me to stick _that_ in _my mouth'_!?" Alice's hands were moving wildly as she reenacted the traumatic scene.

'_Just fold it back and hold it there with your hand_.'

"No fucking joke, that's what he said!" she shrieked.

"They should have to disclose that shit and not spring it on you. I mean, if I had, like, extra-long labia folds, I'd let a brother know. Hey, you have to unwrap my cooch like a present, maybe roll the sides back and hook them with binder clips, Bella said, shaking her head as she pretended to fold back and clip vagina folds.

Rose nodded in agreement. "It should be a law or something. Seriously."

"The actual sex wasn't terrible but I couldn't wait to leave. I grabbed my stuff and bolted as fast as I could. I couldn't find it right away, and he was in the bathroom talking about round two, so I just bolted, barefoot, holding one shoe."

"Did he try to give you your shoe back?"

"Yeah. He thought I left it there like Cinderella hoping my Prince would come find me." Alice made a gagging face.

"Seriously?" Angela asked quietly. Even though she felt a bit out of the loop during conversations like this, she was secretly happy that she was still a virgin after hearing stories like this.

"Oh yes, he actually showed up at my door holding one sparkly pink shoe, I told him to keep it. I actually handed him the other one and said, 'Here, just in case you decide to become a drag Queen. You would make such a cute girl.'"

"NO! You didn't!" Jessica and Angela shouted doubling over with laughter.

"Oh, yes, she did. That right there is why we call her _CinderAli_," Bella said, laughing.

***A/N**

**This one is dedicated to my CinderAli- *hugs and flove***

**XOZO**

**HB**


	3. Chapter 3

**A crackly voice comes over the loud speaker, "The person who is missing a 6 sparkle ballet slipper, please report to the lost and found. Thank you."**

**You don't own Twilight you say? That sucks for you. Enjoy!**

Ch 3

"So, wait, who plugged your vagina then?"

Alice sighed, shaking her head. "Jasper. He's…not that experienced in the ways of the woman."

"I'm sure you'll have no problems helping him get acquainted." Rose winked.

"Of course. I got skilllllzzz." Alice said, bobbing her head and doing a lil dance in her seat.

"From what I could tell yesterday, ya sure do, Bella said, wagging her eyebrows up and down.

Alice's face turned red and she started shaking her head.

"Wait, what? Did you two have a _lezbehones_t moment I wasn't invited to?" Rose asked.

"No, I just walked in on her giving Jasper head."

"He was so embarrassed!"

"It was the funniest shit!" Bella said, uncharacteristically bouncing in her seat.

"So, I walk in to ask her if, God I don't even remember what… Whatever, it's not important. So, I open her door and there she is on her knees in front of Jasper, wearing a hot pink velour jumpsuit with Juicy written on her ass and her hair in pigtails. He was gripping them like handles. She turns, cock still in her mouth, and mumbles, 'get out'!"

The table burst into another round of hysterics.

"Funniest shit I have ever seen! Scarred me for life, but fucking hilarious."

Angela took a big swig of her and then turned to Rose. "Can I ask you guys a question?"

"Shoot."

Quietly she asked, "Whose job is it to guide it in?" For a moment everyone paused and just stared at her. Since Angela is the Virgin Mary of the group and is pretty shy was the subject of sex comes up, her asking a question such as that is rare.

"Well, it should really be a team effort. Take turns," Rose said.

"Yeah, until you accidently pinch their dick with your hands." Bella snickered

Alice turned to Bella and hissed under her breath, "I thought we agreed never to speak of that?"

"No, we agreed not to talk about the carpel tunnel you got afterwards… Whoops," Bella said, covering her mouth as Alice punched her in the shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah, bitches. Laugh it up."

***A/N**

**Some more CinderAli flove!**

**XOZO**

**HB**


	4. Chapter 4

**Happy Day After Christmas! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday filled with family, friends, laughter, love, and alcohol. I was disappointed to find that Santa had yet again forgot to bring me what I asked for. All I got was a note saying,_ 'We are sorry to inform you that Robert Pattinson and Ian Somerholder are currently on back order. Please try again next year.' _Anybody else get that letter? I mean c'mon! I have been good all y... except that one time but we promised never to speak of it again; therefore, it never happened... So basically good all year.**

**Twilight I do not own.**

Ch 4

"What about _Shout_ over here?" Alice said pointing at Rose with her thumb.

"Shout?" Angela asked confused.

"We call her Shout because she uses so much of it getting the grass stains out of her clothes."

Angela and Jessica gave them another quizzical look.

Alice took pity on them and explained, "For some reason she always ends up having sex outside and comes home with grass stains all over her clothes. Interestingly enough, mostly on her knees."

"What can I say? I like to strike while the vagina is hot. Not my fault that it usually happens to be in a park, or a golf course, or someone's yard," Rose said, smiling and taking another sip of her margarita.

"So Rose, Emmett is a big boy. Does he also have…a big toy?" Angels asked timidly, as if she was afraid to say the words out loud. She immediately turned bright red and started to giggle.

"Oh my gawwwwd, he has an amazing cock. Big, but not so big that my other organs are gonna be feeling that shit. Thick, but not too thick, She said licking her lips.

"So, at least one of us is sexual satisfied." Jessica sighed.

"Yeah, well, just because my man has a big cock, doesn't mean he knows how to fucking use it."

"Seriously?" Bella said, a bit surprised by that. "The way Emmett carries himself you would just assume he is a bear in the sack."

"Dead. Fucking. Serious. It is sooo frustrating! Dirty talk makes him giggle. FUCKING GIGGLE! What grown ass man giggles during sex? That is sooo not allowed. You would think, by looking at him, he would manhandle the shit outta me. Throwing me on tables, up against the wall…. _Nothing._ Soft and gentle. Steady and slow. No kinky fuckery. It's sad," she said, shaking her head and downing the rest of her margarita.

"The other day, we were doing it and I just couldn't take it anymore. I pushed him off of me and yelled, 'OH MY FUCKING GOD, Em, you have _my_ penis and you don't even know how to use the fucking thing!' I want to not be able to walk the next day! I flipped us over and rode the shit out of that cock."

"Way to show him how it's done!" Bella hollered as she high-fived Rose.

"Fuck, someone has too."

"Wait, did you say _your_ penis?" Jessica asked, clearly confused.

"Yeah, you know, the one I would have if I was a dude. What can I say, I have penis envy."

***A/N**

**What can I say, I have penis envy. No, Really I do.**

**I dedicate this to my Rosalie, I FLOVE you.**

**XOZO**

**HB**


	5. Chapter 5

**When in doubt watch NCIS. That is all.**

**Stephanie Meyer The Creator**

Ch 5

"Green-eyed god - Ten o'clock, Angela whispered out of nowhere.

All the girls looked up at the same time and watched the boys walk through the crowd.

"_Holllyyy shit_!" Jessica said and let out a whistle.

"Our forefathers lied; all men are not created equal. All men _do not_ look like _that_. You sure you don't want to pass him my way, B?" Jessica said with a hint of hope in her voice, but knowing full well that would never happen.

"Jess, I love you and I would do anything for you, but I won't do that."

"NO, I WON'T DO THAT!" Bella, Alice, and Rose sang, making themselves and the rest of the table erupt into laughter.

"Whoever had the idea to get a table up here was a genius, by the way. More time to ogle."

"You're welcome B," Alice said smiling.

"Just look at the way he walks. Christ, even his walk is sexy," Bella said, licking her lips as all the women nodded in agreement.

"Apparently he is quite the ladies' man, so you know he's got to be packing," Rose said, wagging her eyebrows.

"Of course, he is. No man that looks that good goes around not packing some serious heat. I bet he's got moves _you've _never even seen!" Jessica said, pointing at Alice while dancing in her seat.

"Geez Jess, you might wanna wipe the drool off your chin before they get here." Rose said, laughing handed her a napkin.

"Whatever. I'm just saying if I don't get to tap that, I better get all the dirty deets."

Angela sighed, "Bella is one lucky woman, that's for sure."

"Who's the lucky woman?" said a velvet a male voice.

***A/N**

**Come on, you know you were singing! Anybody else agree with Angela? Is she lucky?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Because I don't want to you use ! Stop harassing me ! Scott Wolfe is on NCIS. Anybody else miss Party of Five? - What is : What it's like in may head while I watch T.V. Alec.**

**Her name is Stephanie. *cheerleader clapping* And she owns Twilight ***cheerleader clapping******

Ch 6

"Rosie, of course, cause she gets to have this," Emmett said, coming up to the table and running his hands all over his body. The girls looked at Rose who just rolled her eyes and they all started laughing.

"You have that backwards. You are lucky because you get to tap this." Rose stood up and raked her hands over her body seductively as Bella smacked her ass.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go with Rose on that one. She seems to be getting a raw deal compared to you, Jasper said, laughing as he bent down and kissed Alice on the cheek.

"Ladies, how is everyone this fine evening?"

Bella smiled raising her glass to Jasper, "Peachy keen and two sheets to the wind."

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet my cousin, Edward. Edward, meet the ladies. Jessica, Mike's wife, Angela, and you know Rose and Bella."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Edward said, shaking Jessica Angela's hands. "Rose, Bella, nice to see you again."

"Oh, I think the pleasure is all ours, " Jessica said, holding onto his hand a little longer than required. Bella kicked her under the table.

"Ouch!" Jessica yelped, giving Bella a death glare.

"You okay babe?" Mike asked as he took a seat next to his wife.

"Oh, it's nothing, just had a pain in my ass." Bella just looked at her and smirked.

Rose pointed at the empty chair between Bella and Emmett. "Edward, why don't you sit next to Bella."

"Exactly where I hoped to be, Edward said, winking at Bella.

"In an Emmett and Bella sandwich? No offensive dude, you're an attractive guy and all, but if I'm gonna be involved in a sandwich, the other two parties are required to have a vagina," Emmett said. Rose slapped him upside the head.

Emmett rubbed the back of his head. "Watch it Rosie, my head is sensitive. So violent this one."

"Violent, ha! Keep it up and I will show you violent," Rose said with an evil gleam in her eye. You could visibly see all the men shudder. All of them knew Rose was not one to mess with. She would fuck you up.

*****A/N**

**Anybody else want to be in an Emmett and Bella sandwich? Or better yet- Who would want to be the Bella in an Edward and Emmett Sandwich?**

**XOZO**

**HB**


	7. Chapter 7

**Welcome back! Que Welcome Back Kotter theme song. For those of you who don't know what that is, Google it. Witness the brilliance of a young John Travolta. After you have soaked in the amazingness, you assignment is, while in an argument yell, 'UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE!' Then walk away. BOOM! **

**Shall we hear from the boys! Enjoy!**

**Oh I don't own Twilight, remember?**

Ch 7

"Oh, SNAP! This is my jam. Come on, baby, let me show you some more of Magic Mike," Mike said standing up. Jessica spit out some of her drink and the rest of the girls started laughing hysterically.

"Ummm," Jessica said, looking at the girls for an out.

"I am all for seeing some Magic Mike," Rose said. "In fact, all us ladies would love to see that." She smirked while the rest of the girls sat back, nodding their heads.

"Hells yeah!" Mike yelled, grabbing Jessica and dragging her to the dance floor. She turned back around and mouthed, 'I hate you' to Rose who just winked at her and waved.

Alice laughed and pointed at Mike and Jessica down on the dance floor. "Oh my God, that is the funniest shit I have ever seen! She wasn't joking when she said he looked like he was having a seizure. "

"Poor Jess. I feel kinda bad for her. Come on, let go show him how it's done," Bella said, jumping up and grabbing Angela, Rose, and Alice and pulling them towards the dance floor.

"So E, Bells is looking pretty hot tonight," Jasper said.

"Yes, yes she does," Edward said, licking his lips while watching the girls dancing all on each other.

Emmett let out a whistle, "Hot Dammmn! See, now that's the kinda sandwich I wanna be in. Double decker, baby!"

"Someone should either give poor Mikey some dance lessons or ban him from ever dancing in public."

"Someone should…but then we wouldn't be able to witness that, and that," Emmett said, pointing at Mike, "is just too fucking hilarious to let go."

Jasper shook his head "You're such a dick, Em."

"A big one," Emmett said, smiling, showing off his dimples. "Hey, I don't see either of you assholes stepping up." He pointed as Jasper.

"Yeah, well…"

Emmett slapped his hand on the table. "See, you can't! There always has to be one uncoordinated goofy shit in the group. If you fix him, it just throws off the entire group dynamic."

"Group dynamic?"

"Yeah, Magic Mikey is the goofy shit. He's like a lost puppy that follows you around everywhere and you keep him around 'cause he has that big goofy grin and puppy dog eyes and you feel bad for the lil fella."

"Okay, I can see that. Where do we fit in?"

"You, Jazzy-pants, are the strong, sensitive type. You're the one people look to for advice and to be the voice of reason. And GQ over here, " he said pointing at Edward, " is the pretty boy, obviously. You're the one all the guys want to be and all the girls, and probably some guys, masturbate too."

"Gee thanks, Em. That was my life goal- grow up and be someone people masturbate to." Edward smirked, raising his glass.

"Hey, there is something very noble about being spank-bank material."

"Noble isn't the word I was thinking of."

"Well, if Mike is the puppy, Edward is span- bank, and I'm strong and sensitive, then you are, for sure, the meathead jock who thinks with his dick rather than his actual brain."

Emmett sat there for a second with his hand on his chin. "Nailed it!" he yelled, high-fiving, Jasper.

**A/N**

**So where do you fit in the group dynamic? **

**XOZO**

**HB**


	8. Chapter 8

**I spent 2 days binge watching Teen Wolf and I have developed a puma crush on Dylan O'Brien. Who also does not own Twilight.**

Ch 8

"So GQ, please tell me you are gonna tap that tonight." Emmett said, pointing to Bella on the dance floor.

"Maybe, maybe not," Edward said with a smirk.

"Well, if you don't, looks like someone else will," Jasper said, motioning down to the dance floor.

Edward turned to see Bella grinding on some guy's leg. He immediately stood up and mumbled, "Fuck that," as he made his way through the crowd to the dance floor.

Emmett slapped Jasper on the back. "Nice move on leaving out the little tid bit that the dude is Jake."

"Just doing my cousinly duty. Some times that boy needs a lil push."

"No wonder you like Alice. You're like the yin and yang of matchmaking. She is out and proud and you are quietly in the background making your move." Jasper chuckled.

"Speaking of matchmaking, we need to find someone for Virgin Mary. She needs to get laid. If I wasn't with Rosie I'd fall on that sword in a heartbeat.

Jasper rolled his eyes at Emmett and shook his head. "How gallant of you."

"Hey, underneath this rough, muscular, and manly physique, I am rather sensitive and caring."

"Riiiighhht. Well, don't worry your pretty little sensitive head, 'cause I got it covered, my friend."

"You gonna pop that cherry?"

"No, asshole." Jasper said looking at Emmett like he'd lost his mind. "She's actually going on a date with Ben tomorrow."

"Science teacher Ben?"

"Yep, the one and only. Alice and I are gonna double."

"Good choice. Geeky but with a slight edge. Someone Papa Preacher will approve of but just enough bad boy to get her juices flowing."

"Jesus Em, do you always have to be so vulgar?"

"_Please_, that was tame."

**A/N**

**Emmett, such a gallant fellow.**

**XOZO**

**HB**


	9. Chapter 9

**Dream job, well one of them, being on SNL. I have characters and accents coming out the ass. Actually, I think in 2014 the world is going to get introduced to Patsy Vernice Vernackle. **

Ch 9

Jake leaned down and whispered in Bella's ear, as he continued to grind up against her ass. "I think it worked." She looked up to see Edward making his way through the crowd.

"Sex on stick is headed our way. Goddamn, that man is fine. What I wouldn't give to see those gorgeous green eyes staring up at me with my cock in his mouth."

"What makes you think it would be _your_ cock in _his_ mouth?" Bella asked smirking.

"Please, Bells. One look at my dick and he'd be begging to suck me off. Are you sure he's not gay? He's too pretty to be straight."

"Pretty sure his taste runs more along the lines of the vagina kind," Bella said as she bent over and ground her ass against Jake.

"A boy can dream. Although, we shouldn't leave out the possibility that he swings both ways. Maybe he'd be down for a threesome," Jake said as he smacked her ass and tugged on her hair.

"You know that would mean you'd have to see my vagina right?"

"As long as it doesn't look like floppy chicken skin, I think I can manage. I'll just close my eyes." Bella started laughing.

"You never know - my vagina just might make you reconsider. I've been told its magic."

"Ha! What do you do, make dicks disappear?"

"May I cut in?" Edward said, flashing his best panty-dropping smile. He was a little worried that he had lost his chance when he saw Bella dancing with another guy - until said tall, dark, and buff was looking at him like he was something to eat. He quickly realized the only thing he had to worry about was possibly fending him off.

"By all means, be my guest. I hear an Appletini screaming my name anyway."

Jake leaned and whispered in Bella's ear, "I want details. Al the dirty, dirty details."

Bella nodded and smiled.

"Watch out for this one," he said to Edward. "She bites." With a wink, a smirk, and a slap on Edward's ass, he was gone.

**A/N**

**Bell and her magical floppy chicken skin vagina. **

**XOZO**

**HB**


	10. Chapter 10

**In the morning, I do NOT hit the ground running. It's more of a fast trudge. Also, I don't check the weather, I like to be surprised and I love yelling- 'Mother..fucking snow?! Really! **

Ch 10

"So you bite, huh?" Edward said as he wrapped his arms around Bella's waist and pulled her into his body.

"I do, but not too hard," Bella said with a wink. She put her hands on his chest and ran her fingers down his body while moving her body seductively down his and back up again.

She leaned in and whispered in his ear, "I also lick, suck, and swallow." When she pulled back, she had a wicked smirk on her face and she winked.

"Fuckkkk." Edward groaned. He wasn't used to this. Usually girls were so dazzled by his good looks and panty-dropping smile that they got flustered and let him take the lead. Not the other way around. But not Bella, she's not shy and knew what she wanted

"So Edward, the way I see it, we have three options. One, we can continue dancing and I can give you a small preview of what later will be like. Two, we can go back to the table with our friends, drink, be merry and see where the night takes us. Or three, we can say goodbye to our friends, go back to my place and I can give you a private dance and show you just how well I can lick, suck, and swallow."

Bella paused to watch his face mirror his thoughts for a moment before leaning in and whispering in his ear, "Did I mention that I'm flexible?"

Edward shifted to give his cock some breathing room. He leaned in closer and let his lips brush her ear before whispering, "As tempting as number one and two sound, I think I'm going see what's behind door number three."

Bella pulled back. "Smart man. I knew there was something to you other than looks." She grabbed his hand and started back toward the table.

**A/N**

**What will _reall_y happen behind door #3?**

**XOZO**

**HB**


	11. Chapter 11

**Having your eyes dilated looks really cool... if only I could see up close. **

**Still don't own Twilight. Do I have to say that every time? We all know I am not Stephanie Meyer and according to the conversation I had with her in Forks, (which was amazing) she isn't even aloud to read fan fiction. **

Ch 11

"Where do you think you two are going? The party just got started," Emmett said, pouting.

"I hope I didn't intimidate you with my sweet moves." Mike said, completely serious.

Bella bit her lip to stop herself from laughing. "As intimidating as your sweet moves are - and trust me no one else moves quite like you do - we've decided to make it a party of two."

"But..." Emmett started to say, but was interrupted by Rose elbowing him in the gut.

"Have fun you two. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Which isn't a lot!" Alice yelled as she and Jasper approached the table.

"Peace out, bitches!" Bella yelled over her shoulder, pushing her way through the crowed room like her pants were on fire.

"Remember, no glove no love!" Emmett yelled after them.

***A/N**

**You thought you were getting a sexy-time chapter didn't you?**

**XOZO**

**HB**


	12. Chapter 12

**Cock rings- Love them? Hate them? Never tried them? **

**Have you guessed by now my authors notes is full of random shit that pops into my head? Well now you know. **

**Enjoy...**

Ch 12

Bella sat on her knees as she eagerly unzipped Edward's pants. She licked her lips thinking about the glorious cock she expected to be waiting for her on the other side. _Am I too close_, she thought to herself. _I don't want to get whacked in the face. That would be embarrassing. _She sat back on her heels a bit and tilted her head to the side. She closed her eyes as she pulled at his pants - she wanted to be surprised. As she yanked down his boxers, she could feel his body stiffen. _Did I pull to hard, _she thought, hoping she didn't hurt him in any way.

She opened her eyes to assess the situation and paused. Her initial reaction – stunned. Her first thought - _I probably should have leaned in_. Her second thought was, _please dear sex god in heaven, let him be a grower, not a shower. _In the back of her head 'Forest Gump's voice echoed, 'Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.' _No truer words have ever been spoken, Forest_ she thought as she leaned in and went to work.

***A/N**

**I can heat your collective NOOOOOOOO's from here, lol. If you haven't noticed, the boys are all...lacking something. Hate to break it to you ladies, not everyone that looks that good, is packing some heat or knows how to work it. Let's just hope he at least knows how to work with what he's got. **

******Unless he physically grabs his Tinyward and slaps her in the face, I don't think she has to worry about getting whacked with it. **

******XOZO**

******HB**


	13. Chapter 13

**Please, please, please... (fill in the blank) Time for some deets!**

Ch 13

"Ladies and gay, today is a good day!" Rose said as she plopped down next to Jake and Bella.

"Well, someone looks well fucked," Jake piped in.

"Fucking finally! Do you know how long it's been since I have been thoroughly fucked? 5 years! Five of the longest years my pussy had to wait to get hammered into. That is a long fucking time my friends."

Alice came to the table and handed out everyone's drinks. " So either your little 'pep talk' worked or Em was afraid you were gonna rip his dick off, attach it to yourself and show him how a real man does it." Everyone started laughing , and Jake leaned away from Rose covering his junk for protection.

Rose rolled her eyes at Jake . "Oh stop like I'm gonna steal your dick. "

Bella high fived Rose , "That's my girl. Did you celebrate?"

"Yeah, I slapped his ass and said good game." Rose smirked, taking a sip of her coffee.

That really got everyone laughing. " Ok , enough of Rose. I want to hear about Bella's night with the sex god ."

" Really, cause I would like to hear more about your guys' night. Save the best for last." Bella shrugged.

" Psst , Mike was a four pump chump. I finished myself off. Next . " Jessica said pointing to Alice.

"I played ride em' cowboy, " Alice said pretending like she was riding a bucking bronco with her right arm in the air.

"Angela probably prayed."

"Jessica! I did not pray, " Angela said shaking her head.

"Well then?" Jessica said quirking up her eyebrow.

"I, ya know…took care of myself," Angela said quietly as her faced turned red.

"The preacher's daughter diddles herself , HALLEIGHJA !" Jessica shouts raising her hands to the sky.

Bella reached over and smacked her. "Jesus Christ Jess. Be nice."

"Oh come on! We were all thinking it. Plus I wanna know," Jessica whined.

"OOOOOOHHHHH! OOOOOOHHHHH! OOOOOOHHHHH!" Jake said raising his hand eagerly.

"What is it Horshack's brotha from anotha motha?" Alice said giggling.

"Finally! Remember Alec?"

"Ugh, how could I forget?" Alice said shaking her head. "Just fold it back . " She muttered in a manly voice.

"Yeah well, Mr. Surprise Uncircumcised had my cock hitting the back of his throat last night."

"WHAT!"

"Oh my God!"

"Please tell me he is also a drag queen. Oh please," Alice said bouncing in her seat.

"I don't know Ally Cat we didn't get into specifics. His mouth was either busy or yelling out my name." Jake smirked and leaned back in his chair looking like he was king.

***A/N**

**Doing a happy dance for Rose! Also my friend actually slapped some guys ass and said 'Good Game' after great sex. Man I love my friends. **

**How much do you FLOVE Jake? I know I do. Now you know he's generally a giver. High five to Alec for getting it to hit the back of his throat. You know when you get an itch in the back of your throat? I wonder if you can use a cock to itch it?**

**XOZO**

**HB**


	14. Chapter 14

**Honestly, I wanna see you be brave! (best sing song voice) Seriously though. Go out and do something brave today or this weekend.**

Ch 14

"Well, now that we've covered everyone else dirty deeds, let's get to the real reason why we are all here. B, dish, in detail," Jessica said, leaning in close.

"Ummm, it was good." Bella shrugged.

"Just good?"

"Come on, we need more than that."

"Yes, good. There is nothing wrong with good."

"Either spill or I will torture it out of you. You've seen my husband. Whom I love dearly, but you've heard the stories. I live vicariously through your vagina. I need this, Bella. Four-pump chump!" Jessica was practically on her knees, begging.

"Jess, that is just sad."

"Sad, but true."

"Ugh, fine. You have to promise me that no matter what I say, it will NOT leave this room." Bella looked at Jessica. "And it will never be brought up in conversation and you _will not_, I repeat, _will not_ tell your significant others." Bella pointed at Jessica, Rose, and Alice, who all did the 'cross your heart and hope to die' pledge.

"Wait! Hold that thought," Alice said as she jumped up to lock the shop door and put out the closed sign.

"Alice, you don't have to close the shop."

"I don't want a random customer coming in and overhearing. Plus it's my store and I can do what I want. Now quit stalling."

***A/N**

**Just when you think I'm gonna give it to you... I am a tease B! Perhaps Jessica should find another vagina to live vicariously through. Or maybe have more than one. **

**XOZO**

**HB**


	15. Chapter 15

**Cross your heart and hope to die. Stick a needle in your eye. Anybody else say that as a kid? It is pretty violent if you think about it. It was always stupid shit that you really shouldn't be killing or torturing yourself for. Can you imagine if that was something we actually enforce? **

Ch15

"Okay, let me just start off by saying he has amazing fingers. Seriously, worked Virginia like a pro. That combined with his tongue….wow. Seriously, I thought I peed for a second. That's how hard I came."

"KNEW IT! Fuck, I hate you, Jessica said, laughing.

"How is he at dirty talk? He doesn't giggle does he?" Rose asked.

Bella laughed. "No, dirty talk was good. Not too much, not too little. Just right."

"Okay Goldilocks, get to the part that involves his big juicy cock," Jake said, licking his lips and rubbing his hands together.

"Ummm… it was…."

"Glorious?"

"Mouthwatering?"

"Attached by God himself?"

"Plentiful?"

"Rivals King Dong?"

"Not exactly… It was more below average," Bella said, biting her lip.

"Below average?"

"Are you fucking with us?"

"I don't believe you. That man does not have a below average sized penis," Jessica contended, shaking her head.

"He can and he does. Let me put it this way, at one point, he missed and went in the other hole and when he realized his mistake, I told him to go with it because I barely noticed." Everyone just stared back at her, mouths open and eyes wide.

"By other hole you mean…" Angela asked quietly.

"Ass. Yes, I did anal on the first date."

"Well, I did tell you not to do anything I wouldn't do," Rose said, shaking her head.

"So, you're telling me that the hottest man I have ever seen in my life, who I have dreamed about fucking in every imaginable way, is a Tinyward?" Jessica asked, still clearly in shock.

"Yep. Trust me, I'm just as shocked as you. Try being me. I was all prepared to get whacked in the face as I was unzipping his pants but, SURPRISE, I had to lean in. Not only that, but I had to pretend that I wasn't praying he was a grower, not a shower, or not bust out laughing because I had Forest Gump in the back of my head talking about how 'life is like a box of chocolates'! Bella said.

"You never know what you're gonna get!" Jake, Rose and Alice yelled.

"That's why he's so good with his fingers and tongue," Rose piped in.

"So, minus the gushing pleasure pre-ass fucking, the sex was bad?"

"No, it wasn't bad. He moved my body in certain ways to hit the right spot and the ass fucking was rather enjoyable, especially after he used his fingers to get the rest of me going. All and all, I give it a 7. I've had far worse with bigger dicks." Bella shrugged.

"Okay, I'm just gonna forget I heard what I heard and keep on lying to myself," Jessica said.

"Are you gonna see him again?" Angela asked.

"I am. We actually have a proper date tonight. Honestly, now that I'm over the initial shock, I'm okay with it. He's a really great guy, not to mention easy on the eyes. It would be one thing if he was tiny and didn't know how to use it, but he knows how to work with what he's got."

"Saint Bella, patron saint of tiny peens," Jake said, raising his cup of coffee.

***A/N**

**Happy? Sad? In vag-nial like Jess? TMI to the fact that B doesn't mind doing it in uncomfortable places that is not in the back of a Volkswagen? Can you slow down a relationship if you had butt sex on the first date? At least he knows how to work with what he's got. **

**XOZO**

**HB**


	16. Chapter 16

**I still have that Brave song stuck in my head. Anyone seen the Disney movie Brave? I adore that movie. Next to Cinderella one of my favorite Disney princesses. How can you not love a sarcastic, fiery red head, who is determined to carve her own path, and who kicks some ass? **

Ch 16

"Movie night at Belllllla's," Mike sang as he shimmied out of the kitchen, carrying popcorn into the living room where everyone was ready to watch a movie.

"Whose turn is it to pick the movies?" Ben asked as he snuggled in closer to Angela.

"Bella and I, and Rose and Em," Edward said, coming down the hallway with more blankets.

"Great, so we know we're gonna end up watching something like Face Punch," Jessica groaned.

"Hey, Face Punch was a good movie." Mike said.

"Of course you'd think that," Jessica said, rolling her eyes at her husband.

"So, what's your pick?" Alice asked.

"The Big Lebowski," Bella yelled from her bedroom.

"That movie is awesome! Even better when you're baked," Jasper said.

Bella came sauntering down the hall from her room carrying a small wooden box. "Got it covered," she said, smiling. "Like I would let you guys watch this without being high as a kite. What kinda a friend do you think I am?"

"What's up, bitches!" Emmett yelled as he walked through the front door with Rose.

"Sorry we're late. The giant monkey ass over here couldn't find the movie he wanted. Cause he's an idiot."

"Hey! I do not know how it got mixed in with the porn," Emmett said, plopping down on the couch.

"So what movie did you pick that could be confused with a porn?" Jake asked.

"Forrest Gump, bitches! Best movie ever made."

"How do you mix up Forest Gump with porn?"

"Umm, hello. Forest Hump," Emmett said like it was obvious.

"Great pick Em. That has probably one of my favorite movie lines of all time. 'Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.'" Edward said, trying to do his best Forest Gump impression.

The girls and Jake looked at each other and smiled before they all raised their glasses and yelled, "TRUTH!" and then proceeded to burst out in a fit of laughter.

The End

***A/N**

**Technically, no drugs were actually smoke during this chapter, just alluded to... So if you don't like it, just pretend you never read it, K. Emmett should really have two separate places to keep his porn, like stashed in the closet, in a tub, with clothes piled on top. Not that I would know anything about it, or anything. **

**Well it was short, it was sweet, and hopefully it made you laugh. THANKS A GAZILLION TRILLION to kmah for her amazing, color coded beta skills. Seriously, she is the best and you guys should totally look her up if you need a beta. Any mistakes that you see are due to my posting fails. Also FLOVE to my Rose and CinerAli. Without you, this wouldn't be possible. Thank you. Last but not least, to you the readers for continuing to support me and read the crazy things my brain spits out. I can't tell you how much it means to me every day. Until next time.**

**XOZO**

**HB**


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